Back To December
by BALLofSONSHINE
Summary: "If we love again, I'll love you right this time round." For Ben- Who I miss and love a lot.


**A/N:** Taylor Swift's song- Back to December- is kind of what happened between me and this guy. So if it's either heartfelt or sad, that's because it's my heart talking. I can't believe how this song relates to me so perfectly. So don't forget to review. :P

**Disclaimer:** If I owned SWAC, why would I be writing here? I'd be writing the plots for the episodes! DUH! But, honestly, I'd rather write on here.

**Dedication:** This is dedicated to Ben, who I really liked and I let him go, seeing everything I missed about him later. I really wished I didn't make that mistake, because I knew he loved me too. So I'm sorry.

Back To December

_Chad,_

_I am writing to you so you know how I'm feeling about this all..._

_I'm glad you had all your time devoted to me, most of the time I knew of your shy side. I thought that was cute, but also after a while it got frustrating. Sometimes, at night, I wonder what could have happened between us and how far we would've gone in our relationship. Did we even have a future together? _

_I'm not sure._

_Other times I wonder what you're doing out there in the big world, alone. I wonder about your family, and if they ever miss me at times, because I sure miss them. But when things go downhill with their son, I wouldn't blame them for never speaking to me again. _

_I see you sometimes, on the opposite side of the cafeteria, but I don't dare to speak to you. I don't have enough courage to. On rare occasions we do talk, but mainly about work and weather, which is a real downer. _

_I notice that your guard is up, and I don't even have to guess why that is; you still dream about me, love me, but you don't want to take another chance with that. So I'm sorry for everything. Even the roses you sent, which took my breath away I might add, didn't change how I felt. So without thought at all, I left them to die, like I am doing to myself. Though I hope you're well._

_I have to tell myself that my pride is not the most important thing in my life, and even if I stand there and apologise I can hear a voice saying "there's just no point." And I think it's true. Because that December- that night- well it turned out to be disastrous. So I'm sorry, again, for my behaviour. And just sorry for everything. _

_I've noticed- as I walk alone- that it doesn't seem settling like when I was by your side in your arms. Turns out that what I thought was freedom was just me missing you._

_I wish I realised how amazing you truly were to me, I wished I saw it when you were mine, because then I would have never of let you go. I wish I could go back and make it alright. In my mind, that December was the start of all the mess._

_I'm taking the blame for it all._

_You were so good to me, and I let you slip away. _

_Chad Dylan Cooper- I love you, too much to believe, really. I'm sorry for ever letting you go._

_Love from Sonny._

I folded the note up and got up from my seat. I tried to act casual as I slipped Chad the letter in a nonchalant fashion. I turned to look at his reaction, and I swore he smiled as our eyes met for a split second. That second was both embarrassing and nerve racking.

When I saw him take out a pen, I knew that this was a good sign- at least he was talking to me... even if it is through a letter.

I waited patiently for him to stop writing, and as he did, he slipped the paper back into my hands as I nonchalantly walked back again.

As I sat back at my table, I rather quickly unfolded the letter, impatiently needing to see what he wrote.

_Dear Sonny,_

_I understand that you wouldn't be brave enough to say all this to my face, but be aware that I car enough to write back to you. _

_I know it may have been careless to devote all my time to you, but I'm not regretting it one bit, because you're worth it all. And I'm glad you thought it was cute. I'm not trying to be subtle, because I want you to know, I'm not mad at all. I never stop thinking about you, never do I stop dreaming about you either. It's rather crazy and stupid, but I love it._

_I think we do, because it was just a fight, right? Believe what you want to believe, we'll work it out soon enough, Sonshine._

_I'm not doing anything new out here in this "big world" of mine. I'm doing the exact same as when we were together- so, nothing. My family miss you, and they miss you a lot. My mum couldn't believe that I'd let someone like you get away from me, and at times I agree with her—you're good for me. My sister misses you just as much, without her favourite Random she tells me it's very dull. My dad even misses you, which is oddly out of character, because he has never warmed up to any of my girlfriends before. This tells me that you're different from everyone else. You're special. _

_I only small-talked with you because your eyes took my breath away and you just make me speechless. It's not that I don't want to talk to you, because I'd rather talk to you all day long than be on Mac Falls. _

_Forget the roses, forget everything, I don't care anymore. If everything could turn around and we could go back in time I would. Because I didn't want to lose you either._

_Miss me? Then don't be scared. I love you, Sonny, and I'm not a chicken, I can admit it to anyone you like. And it's not a lie. One more thing- us, as a couple, is something to fight to keep. _

_Don't be sorry; don't even think it's your fault. Don't regret anything either. You're amazing, so stay that way. _

_You didn't let me slip away, Sonshine- I'm right here..._

_Love from Chad._

I smiled at the note and I looked up to meet to blue, sparkling orbs staring into mine. Even if we're across the room, and we got back together through letters, it is still amazing that Chad Dylan Cooper could pick me back up after letting me fall. And I love him for that.

I changed my mind about halfway through his letter.

Going back to December, means going back to heartache. I'd rather stay right here- in the moment- to enjoy it deeply.

.:. we love again, I'll love you _right _this time round.:.:.

...

**Don't forget to review. It would mean the world to me since this came from my heart. It was about what really happened to me, and is pretty much still happening. **

**I love you, Ben.**

**Don't forget to review, my little FF gremlins ;D**


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